How lonely are you?
Are you feeling lonely right now?
Perhaps you work remotely and spend very little time physically with people?
And maybe you find it difficult to engage in social life, meet new people or maintain relationships with your friends and colleagues and even a thought of face-to-face interactions makes you feel anxious?
The past few years have made us more isolated than ever before and many of us have gotten used to our own company and this way of living. While there is something very transformational in finding peace in solitude, we as human beings weren’t designed to live in isolation. And the hard truth is that even if you’re surrounded by thousands of people, you can still feel lonely.
THE VETERAN
Now let me tell you a story about the man I met today at the seaside coffee shop.
I’ve been staying in this town for 3 weeks now - the joy of remote work and being able to travel anywhere in the world. I usually work from home but this morning, as strange as it sounds, I felt a strong need to work from a nearby cafe, as though someone or something was pulling me to that place I’ve never been to before.
So I went. Ordered my coffee and as I sat there, sipping my coffee and typing away, I saw an older gentleman slowly walking into the cafe, supporting himself with a walking stick.
There weren’t many seats available and so I invited him to sit with me.
As he sat down, we started talking and within minutes our conversation led to him telling me that he used to be in the Air Forces, fighting in Germany.
A veteran.
“This is it”, I thought to myself.
This is why I am here.
He is WHY I am here.
Why is it fascinating?
Because only 2 days ago I called the RAF (Royal Air Force) and asked if there was a chance of me joining the ranks! Yep. You heard me right. I’ve been drawn to the military for a while.
This wasn’t something that was ever a possibility when I was growing up - a woman? In the army? Flying airplanes? Me? Haha, what a joke!
It was out of reach for so many reasons such as the upbringing, family and societal conditioning, the expectation to follow a linear career path. It was reserved only for the so-called “sporty kids” and by any means, I wasn’t a top athlete at all. Even me obtaining a PT qualification at the age of 28 came as a shock to everyone, including myself!
The “can’t do this, can’t be that” approach put the barriers to what was possible.
The good thing is that over the years I’ve learnt that I can really be anyone I want to be at ANY AGE! I’ve learnt that I can change my life in any given moment, if I only choose to (and so can you, in case you didn’t know that).
For me it was the desire to be a part of something bigger and make a massive difference that pushed me to make that call. I know that what I have to offer can truly change people’s lives - especially those on the front line (and yes, for selfish reasons, I wanted to be one of those cool girls flying aircrafts or paratrooping).
Sadly, I am not a British Citizen so this idea went out the window quickly*, but I believe it’s for a greater purpose.
I then proceeded with my application to volunteer with the Royal Air Force Association to become a Pen Pal. Sadly, those positions were filled and I was put on the waiting list and so the fact that this man showed up was just a testimony to how powerful the Unconscious Mind is and how quickly you can attract something if you focus on it and if you take action.
Back to the veteran.
He was deaf and partially blind and yet still communicated with a sense of humour, and as we spoke, I learnt that he comes to this cafe every day, each time paying £24 for the taxi because he doesn’t live nearby, and he comes here because he likes the atmosphere of the place.
I asked him a question and as I did, his facial expression changed and sadness flashed up on his face.
“I lost all of my friends” he said, “some fighting, others years later... I miss them.”
I could feel the loneliness in his voice.
He had no one.
When I asked him what was the most memorable part of being in the Air Force, he said:
Companionship.
I asked if he considered joining the veterans group locally or even speaking to someone on the phone to have that support and form new friendships, to which he responded: “It’s too late”.
He didn’t even want to entertain the idea of meeting new people and yet it was obvious that he was longing for connection, he was longing for these conversations.
If you know me you would know that I couldn’t just leave this man to his vices.
One might call him “stubborn”, but I saw an immense amount of past trauma, negative emotions and limiting decisions that were blocking this man’s sight.
I quickly found phone numbers of the veterans organisations in the neighbourhood, wrote them down on a piece of paper and put them in his shirt’s pocket and I said: “Just consider.”
I didn’t say you should, you must or do it! These words of necessity, if not used properly, could create a lot of resistance in another person. You can’t make someone do something if they don’t want to. I gently said: consider. This simply gives authority to the other person to make their own choices and subconsciously prompts them to think about the new possibilities, ultimately allowing them to make their own decisions.
With that said, my question to you is:
Have you ever paid attention to the specific words you use when conversing with another person?
How often do you say: You really should do this. Or maybe you give unsolicited advice in the form of commands?
You know that the language you use is very powerful and you can very easily create a lot of unnecessary resistance in another person, instead of loosening the grip.
Effective communicators know how to specifically loosen that grip to release the resistance and assist someone in making a change, be it with their partner, a colleague or a stranger in the cafe. This is what NLP allows us to do.
Judging by this man’s gentle facial expression, which didn’t show an immediate rejection, I know that he will definitely consider calling these organisations. On the side note, that’s another skill effective communicators possess - the ability to read someone’s response by reading the minor changes in their facial expressions!
As we continued talking, he said:
“I’ve got a roof above my head, I have food to eat, I have plenty of money, my family are well off, I’ve got everything.”
I followed with a question: “Besides these basic human needs, what else are you missing that you are not getting which you wish you could have?”
He immediately responded: “The family.”
He told me a story about how his family keeps distance from him, no phone calls, no contact. “They wouldn’t know if I died, they don’t care. Out of sight out of mind.”
This response hurt.
This man was LONELY & ALONE.
His daily human interaction was limited to asking the barista for a cup of coffee and breakfast (which btw they couldn’t even cook for him because there was no chef!).
This man was all by himself and he wasn’t even open to asking for help…
I am sharing his heartfelt story because there are thousands of people just like him, who don’t want to be seen as vulnerable and they are afraid to ask for help.
You and I know that you don’t have to be 80 years old to experience loneliness. Sadly, it’s been shown that young adults of ages between 16 and 24 years old are currently the loneliest group in Western countries! And if you’ve lived in a bigger city (any London folks here?) you would probably confirm that you can feel isolated even when you are surrounded by thousands of people.
It’s also been shown that loneliness is associated with many mental health problems such as greater psychological stress, depressive symptoms, anxiety, weaker immune system and poor sleep to name a few (Wei et al., 2005, Griffin, 2010)
REMOTE WORK AND LONELINESS
If I am going to be completely honest with you, as great as remote work is, it can really get lonely, and this is something I personally struggled with for a while. While there are many benefits of remote work, such as the ability to work from anywhere in the world or not having any interruptions from colleagues, this long term isolation can be very damaging to mental and physical health. It can make you feel more lonely and disconnected from others which is also a factor in depression and anxiety (Mushtaq, 2014).
EFFECTS OF SOCIAL MEDIA
You might think that social media helps with isolation, however studies and surveys have shown that the more time you spend on the phone, the less enjoyment you have from face-to-face interactions (Dwyer et al., 2018) and an increased use of social media can lead to anxiety. How many of you needed to “take a break” from social media because it was getting too much? The constant scrolling, comparison, judgment, feeling inadequate or simply exhausted from following other people’s lives can take its toll on the emotional wellbeing. It is a vicious cycle many people can get stuck in and often cannot find the way out. The good thing is that there is always a way out and it’s not necessarily about deleting social media, but working with the Unconscious Mind to change the strategies, clear negative emotions such as anxiety and rewire negative thought patterns.
Back to the story…
It was time for the veteran to leave, and as I assisted him with getting up, I placed my hand on his shoulder and said: “I didn’t even ask what your name is! What’s your name, Sir?”
In that moment I looked at him and I could notice his eyes starting to sparkle with tears: “Christopher”, he responded. And as he slowly made his way out the front door, he said: “Thank you. I will never forget you.”
I felt his sadness and I felt his loneliness. I felt the hurt of feeling abandoned by the family and I felt the loss of his friends he was still mourning…
THE IMPORTANCE OF COMMUNITY
Social interactions are the core element of our well-being. It is our basic human need to be in the tribe, to have a community, to have people around us, to have that sense of belonging.
We are all worthy of love, we are all worthy of support, we are all worthy of being taken care of. If there is anything that we have learnt during the past few years is that social connections are vital to our happiness.
The quality of our life is determined by our relationships.
The quality of our relationships is determined by the quality of our communication.
HOW TO MANAGE LONELINESS?
If you are looking for handy tips to combat loneliness, here are mine:
Find a hobby and connect with like-minded people
I found that joining dancing classes was very therapeutic not only because of the movement, release of endorphins and fun, but also the connections you make with like-minded people.Join support groups
There are plenty of support groups available. Whether you are a veteran, someone who struggles with binge eating, depression, anxiety, abuse, whether you are a stay at home mother or if you are a solopreneur, there is a support group available to you.Schedule regular video calls with your friends.
Even a 10min phone call can bring the release of tension and can lighten up your day.Play team sports or join a workout class
Not keen on playing sport? Then a walking/hiking group might be your gem!Look after your physical health
Get plenty of good quality sleep, hydrate, eat nourishing foods and reduce junk food and alcohol.Get a pet!
I personally view pets, dogs in particular, as mental health support workers.
They get you out of the house, they come for cuddles when they know you need them and make you feel like you have a companion by your side 24/7. Bonus points - you meet people every time you take them for a walk!Most importantly, address your emotional wellbeing.
Journal your thoughts and feelings and bring the emotions you are feeling to your consciousness instead of numbing them (oftentimes people numb their emotions with food, alcohol or TV instead of allowing them to come up to the surface).
Awareness is key to change.
Talk to someone who can help you.
Internal processing might get you stuck running the same problem loops and thinking patterns over and over again and can prevent you from making any progress. Talking to someone, whether it’s a trusted friend or an experienced professional, can make a profound difference.
***An interesting fact is that many people think that they can’t release the negative emotions, but here is something they don’t know: negative emotions of sadness, anxiety, fear, hurt, shame or guilt can easily be cleared with Time Line Therapy®.
On top of that, NLP coaching can assist with getting outside of your problem box and provide you with tools and techniques that help you change your negative state into a positive one within seconds AND also allows you to master effective communication skills not only with yourself, but others too.
If you’d like to learn more about these tools & techniques, let’s talk: hello@alinadabek.com
*P.S.Learning to fly is a goal of mine which I already set in my Timeline, so I am confident that I will achieve it. If one way doesn’t work, there is always another way.
That’s the beauty of working with the Timeline and clearing any blocks from the Unconscious Mind that could be sabotaging the achievement of the goal.
Bookings for the flying experience will open soon!
RESOURCES
Dwyer, R., Kushlev, K. and Dunn, E., 2018. Smartphone use undermines enjoyment of face-to-face social interactions. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, [online] 78, pp.233-239. Available at: <http://Smartphone use undermines enjoyment of face-to-face social interactions>.
Griffin J. (2010). The Lonely Society? Mental Health Foundation. Available at: https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/sites/default/files/the_lonely_society_report.pdf (Accessed April 04, 2021).
Mushtaq, R., 2014. Relationship Between Loneliness, Psychiatric Disorders and Physical Health ? A Review on the Psychological Aspects of Loneliness. JOURNAL OF CLINICAL AND DIAGNOSTIC RESEARCH, [online] Available at: <https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4225959/>.
Wei, M., Russell, D. W., & Zakalik, R. A. (2005). Adult Attachment, Social Self-Efficacy, Self-Disclosure, Loneliness, and Subsequent Depression for Freshman College Students: A Longitudinal Study. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 52(4), 602–614. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-0167.52.4.602
