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Are you feeling lonely right now?
Perhaps you work remotely and spend very little time physically with people?
And do you find it difficult to engage in social life, meet new people or maintain relationships with your friends and colleagues?
The past few years have made us more isolated than ever before and many of us have gotten used to our own company and this way of living. While there is something very transformational in finding peace in solitude, we as human beings weren’t designed to live in isolation. And the hard truth is that even if you’re surrounded by thousands of people, you can still feel lonely.
THE VETERAN
Now let me tell you a story about the man I met today at the seaside coffee shop.
I’ve been staying in this town for 3 weeks now - the joy of remote work and being able to travel from anywhere in the world- and I usually work from home but today I felt the need to leave the flat and go out to work from a cafe.
It might sound strange but I felt a strong need to be there, as though someone or something was pulling me to that place I’ve never been to before.
So I went. Ordered my coffee and as I sat there, sipping my coffee and typing away, I saw an older gentleman slowly walking into the cafe, supporting himself with a walking stick.
There weren’t many seats available and so I invited him to sit with me.
As he sat down, we started talking and within minutes our conversation led to him telling me that he used to be in the Air Forces, fighting in Germany.
A veteran.
“This is it”, I thought to myself.
This is why I am here.
He is WHY I am here.
Only 2 days ago I called the RAF (Royal Air Force) and asked if there was a chance of me joining. Yep. You heard me right. I’ve been drawn to the military for a while.
This wasn’t something that was ever a possibility when I was growing up - a woman? In the army? Flying airplanes? Me? Haha, what a joke!
It was out of reach for so many reasons such as the upbringing, family and societal conditioning, the expectation to follow a linear career path. It was reserved only for the so-called “sporty kids” and by any means, I wasn’t a top athlete at all. Even me obtaining a PT qualification at the age of 28 came as a shock to everyone, including myself!
The “can’t do this, can’t be that” approach put the barriers to what was possible.
The good thing is that over the years I’ve learnt that I can really be anyone I want to be at ANY AGE! I’ve learnt that I can change my life in any given moment, if I only choose to (and so can you, in case you didn’t know that).
For me it was the desire to be a part of something bigger and make a massive difference that pushed me to make that call. I know that what I have to offer can truly change people’s lives - especially those on the front line (and yes, for selfish reasons, I wanted to be one of those cool girls flying aircrafts or paratrooping).
Sadly, I am not a British Citizen so this idea went out the window quickly*, but I believe it’s for a greater purpose.
Back to the veteran.
He was deaf and partially blind and yet still communicated with a sense of humour and as we spoke I learnt that he comes to this cafe every day, each time paying £24 for the taxi because he doesn’t live nearby, but he likes the nice people in this particular cafe.
I could feel the loneliness in his voice.
He had no one.
I asked if he considered joining the veterans group locally or even speaking to someone on the phone to have that support and companionship.
“It’s too late”, he said.
He couldn’t hide the sadness that flashed up on his face.
“I lost all of my friends” he said, “some fighting, others years later.. I miss them.”
When I asked him what was the most memorable part of being in the Air Force he said:
Companionship.
The sad part is that he didn’t even want to entertain the idea of meeting new people and yet it was obvious that he was longing for connection, he was longing for those conversations.
If you know me you would know that I couldn’t just leave this man to his vices.
One might call him “stubborn”, but I saw an immense amount of past trauma, negative emotions and limiting decisions that were blocking this man’s sight.
I quickly found phone numbers of the veterans organisations in the neighbourhood, wrote them down on a piece of paper and put them in his shirt’s pocket and I said: “Just consider.”
I didn’t say you should or you must - these words of necessity could create a lot of resistance in another person. You can’t make someone do something if they don’t want to. I gently said: consider. This simply gives authority to the other person to make their own choices and subconsciously prompts them to think about the new possibilities allowing them to make their own choices
.
With that said, my question to you is:
Have you ever paid attention to the specific words you use when conversing with another person?
How often do you say: You really should do this or give unsolicited advice in the form of commands?
You know that the language you use is very powerful and you can very easily create a lot of unnecessary resistance instead of loosening the grip. Effective communicators know how specifically loosen that grip to release the resistance with the person they communicate, be it their partner, a colleague or a stranger in the cafe.
Judging by this man’s gentle facial expression, which didn’t show an immediate rejection, I know he will definitely consider calling these organisations and that’s another skill effective communicators possess - the ability to read someone’s response by their facial expressions, which by the way could be very subtle, almost unnoticeable to an untrained eye.
As we continued talking, he said:
“I’ve got a roof above my head, I have food to eat, I have plenty of money, my family are well off, I’ve got everything.”
I followed with a question: “Besides these basic human needs, what else are you missing that you are not getting which you wish you could have?”
He immediately responded: “The family.”
He told me a story about how his family keeps distance from him, no phone calls, no contact. “They wouldn’t know if I died, they don’t care. Out of sight out of mind.”
This response hurt.
This man was LONELY & ALONE.
His daily human contact was limited to asking the barista for a cup of coffee and breakfast (which btw they couldn’t even cook for him because there was no chef!!).
This man was all by himself and he wasn’t even open to asking for help…
I am sharing his heartfelt story because there are thousands of people just like him, who don’t want to be seen as vulnerable and ask for help. You and I know that you don’t have to be 80 years old to experience loneliness. Sadly, it’s been shown that young adults of ages between 16 and 24 years old are currently the loneliest group in Western countries! And if you’ve lived in a bigger city (any London folks here?) you would probably confirm that you can feel isolated even when you are surrounded by thousands of people.
It’s also been shown that loneliness is associated with many mental health problems such as greater psychological stress, depressive symptoms, anxiety, weaker immune system and poor sleep to name a few (Wei et al., 2005, Griffin, 2010)
REMOTE WORK AND LONELINESS
If I am going to be completely honest with you, as great as remote work is, it can really get lonely, and this is something I personally struggled with for a while. While there are many benefits of remote work, such as the ability to work from anywhere in the world or not having any interruptions from colleagues, this long term isolation can be very damaging for mental and physical health. It can make you feel more lonely and disconnected from others which is also a factor in depression and anxiety.
EFFECTS OF SOCIAL MEDIA
You might think that social media helps with isolation, however studies and surveys have shown that the more time you spend on the phone, the less enjoyment you have from in person interactions (Dwyer et al., 2018) and an increased use of social media can lead to anxiety. How many of you needed to “take a break” from social media because it was getting too much? It is a vicious cycle many people can get stuck in and cannot find the way out. I need you to know that there is always a way out.
Back to the story…
It was time for the gentleman to leave and as I assisted him with getting up, I placed my hand on his shoulder and said: “I didn’t even ask what your name is! What’s your name, Sir?”
I looked at him and could notice his eyes starting to flood with tears: “Christopher”, he responded. And he slowly made his way out he said: “Thank you. I will never forget you.”
I felt his sadness and I felt his loneliness. I felt the hurt of feeling abandoned by the family and I felt the loss of his friends he was still mourning…
THE IMPORTANCE OF COMMUNITY
Social interactions are the core element of our wellbeing. It is our basic human need to be in the tribe, to have a community, to have people around us and a sense of belonging.
We are all worthy of love, we are all worthy of support, we are all worthy of being taken care of. If there is anything that we have learnt during the past few years is that social connections are vital to our happiness.
The quality of our life is determined by our relationships.
The quality of our relationships is determined by the quality of our communication.
If you are looking for handy tips to get unstuck and combat loneliness, here are mine:
Find a hobby and connect with like-minded professionals
I found that joining dancing classes is very therapeutic not only because of the moment and fun, but also the connections you make with people.Join support groups
There are plenty support groups available, whether you are a veteran, someone who struggles with binge eating, depression, anxiety, abuse, whether you are a stay at home mother or if you are a solopreneur, there is a support group available to you.Schedule regular video calls with your friends.
Even a 10min phone call can bring the release of tension you hold within and can really lighten up your day.Play team sports or join a workout class
Most importantly, address your emotional wellbeing.
Journal your thoughts and feelings and bring the emotions you are feeling to your consciousness instead of numbing them (oftentimes people numb their emotions with food, alcohol or TV instead of allowing them to come up to the surface).
Awareness is key to change.Talk to someone who can help you.
Internal processing might get you stuck running in loops and prevent you from making any progress. Talking to someone, whether it’s a trusted friend or an experienced professional, can make a profound difference.
***An interesting fact is that many people think that they can’t release those negative emotions but here is something they don’t know: negative emotions of sadness, anxiety, fear, hurt, shame or guilt can easily be cleared with Time Line Therapy®.
On top of that, NLP coaching can assist with getting outside of your problem box and provide you with tools and techniques that help you change your negative emotional state into a positive one within seconds AND master effective communication skills. If you’d like to learn these tools or experience them for yourself, let’s talk: hello@alinadabek.com
*Learning to fly is a goal of mine which I already set in my Timeline, so I am confident that will achieve it. If not this way, there is always another way. That’s the beauty of working with the Timeline and clearing any blocks from the Unconscious Mind that could be sabotaging the achievement of the goal.
Wei, M., Russell, D. W., & Zakalik, R. A. (2005). Adult Attachment, Social Self-Efficacy, Self-Disclosure, Loneliness, and Subsequent Depression for Freshman College Students: A Longitudinal Study. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 52(4), 602–614. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-0167.52.4.602
Griffin J. (2010). The Lonely Society? Mental Health Foundation. Available at: https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/sites/default/files/the_lonely_society_report.pdf (Accessed April 04, 2021).